By: Kevin Cure, Therapist
Dear Ask a Therapist,
Last weekend was Valentine’s Day, and I was expecting to go out to dinner with my husband, maybe get some flowers and catch a movie. Instead we ended up staying in and sticking to our normal routines. My husband and I have been married for seven years and although I wasn’t expecting much, I was looking forward to something. When I asked him why we were not celebrating, he seemed genuinely surprised that I cared and used our kids as an excuse to not go out. To me, it felt like he was making excuses to not be alone with me. He even seemed to get little defensive. Although I was hurt, I didn’t want to start an argument, so I let it be. However, the more I think about it, the more I feel like our relationship could use a little work. Do you have any suggestions for my husband and me?
It’s important to understand that relationships change over time. Showing love to one another is exciting and easy in the initial stages of a relationship. However, over time those relationships evolve, and purposefully expressing love becomes a conscious choice. It’s not to say that the romance leaves, but choosing to show love to one another isn’t always as easy or reflexive as it was in the beginning.
Relationships need to grow and deepen over time. However, strengthening and growing your relationship can be challenging after being together for seven years, especially if work and kids are taking up most of your time and energy. I suggest your husband and you set aside some time for just the two of you. It could be as simple as taking a walk together, seeing a movie every other week, or taking a painting class. I suggest that you each try participating in something that the other really loves as a way to demonstrate how much you value spending time with each other. Maybe you could watch a basketball game together, go jogging, or cook a meal together.
Work on communicating your wants and needs to one another so you are both clear on what is expected from each other, and renegotiate your needs and wants as your relationship progresses. We should not feel stuck in a role that no longer works for us because we agreed to it years ago. If your husband was truly surprised by your desire to celebrate Valentine’s Day, you may need to remind him that celebrating romance is something that you value and need in your relationship. If celebrating Valentine’s Day isn’t traditional for your relationship, this would be an opportunity to renegotiate those expectations. Talk about making changes that will benefit both of you. Help your husband understand why you feel that this part of your relationship needs to be refreshed.
As you spend more time with one another you may experience some bumpy areas in your relationship. It’s important for all couples to learn how to argue well. Not dealing with conflict isn’t a good option. Next time you or your husband are not meeting the expectations you have for one another, you need to speak up in a respectful way. You may want to set rules for arguing and fighting. For example, you might want to promise not to interrupt one another and to not fight or argue via text messaging. When arguing, your husband or you may say or do something hurtful out of frustration. Both of you should agree to seek and give forgiveness when you make mistakes.
Lastly, family or couples therapy can be beneficial to almost anyone and could be a great tool to get you guys back on track. Some couples seek counseling on a regular basis just as a checkup or even a tune up and others seek couples therapy to save a failing relationship or to make a good relationship even better. Regardless, noticing a problem when it is small, and working to overcome it, can save you a lot of work and stress in the future.
If you are unsure if couples counseling is right for your relationship, you could make an initial appointment with a therapist to discuss your concerns. There are plenty of places to turn to in Adams County for couples counseling and Community Reach Center is one of them. To learn about Community Reach Center’s services, visit www.CommunityReachCenter.org or call (303) 853-3500.
If you have a question for Ask a Therapist, email AskaTherapist@communityreachcenter.org.
Kevin Cure is a Therapist at Community Reach Center
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Community Reach Center is a top-tier mental healthcare provider with outpatient facilities located throughout Adams County, Colorado. Community Reach serves all ages. It is a 501(c) (3) non-profit organization. Services include individual and group therapy, early childhood and school-based services, substance abuse treatment, emergency services, home-based senior services, therapeutic support groups, and more. The Center is committed to integrating mental healthcare with primary healthcare in order to support the overall health of its consumers. Additionally, Mountainland Pediatrics, Inc., an affiliate of Community Reach Center, provides primary pediatric care for children from birth through age 21, and is co-located with Community Reach Center’s Child Development Center.